A week ago today our lives changed, one sentence can change a family, isn't that crazy?!?! One sentence. My husband is deploying, deploying for six months to Afghanistan, for six months. That's 183 days, 183 nights, 183 nap times, 92 bath times, both kids birthday's, our 7th anniversary, Madison's preschool graduation, Madison's first day of school, Conner's first day of Preschool, and many, many more "normal" days. 183 days..... I know I seem a bit dramatic. However this is my blog, and I choose to use it to let out my more dramatic feelings, rather than blast my friends and family with them. In fact that is what this blog is going to be for the next nine months, maybe a year. I plan to use this blog as my journal of this journey. Even though I may look back someday and realize that this was not a time worth documenting, right now I feel I need a place to vent my feelings, where I can get feedback, thoughts, and just to air it all out there, cause let's be honest, I've never been one to hide my feelings, anyone who knows me at all, knows this is true!!!
Speaking of friends, today we had our weekly playgroup at a local park. These playgroups have been an absolute godsend, I plan them, but I do not own them, and I love that we have a standing date every Thursday with my good friends and their kids. Our kids have grown up together over the past year and truly love them like their cousins. And I have made some of the best friends I could ever hope to have, in this respect the "military life" has truly blessed me. However I felt like today's playgroup was different. I felt different. I felt like the kid in high school that has terrible acne, and is socially awkward. I felt like now I am the black cloud of the group and no one knows what to say to me, because my husband is deploying. I know it sounds silly, but I felt different. All I wanted to talk or think about is this stupid thing that is consuming me and all anyone else wanted to talk about was the normal everyday things. Basically I feel like this is consuming me, and I just wonder if I will ever be "me" again, you know, wanting to just talk about the normal everyday things without being overcome with "deployment".
My friend was chatting about bath time and how her son is now terrified of them, and out of no where it hit me, I have to start doing bath time. This is a daddy job, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I blurted out "Crap that's another thing I have to do for the next six months by myself!" I feel horrible now looking back on it, I totally took that conversation over and turned it on me, and that was not my intention, but it hit me out of no where. To all my wonderful friends, this will probably happen many more times over the next 3 months, all I ask is to be patient with me, I'm just trying to find my way.
Have I mentioned the guilt I feel for all of this?!?! The other night I was crawling into bed and I looked at Rob and said "I won't get to sleep-in for 6 months!! Not once, not at all for six months!!" I feel bad about this now, while I'm complaining about not sleeping in and giving baths, he's probably so hurt inside because he won't get to see any of us for 6 months, and the biggest complaint I have is that I won't be able to get away!!! I feel guilty for this, really guilty. The worst part is, I just can't stop, I can't keep these feelings to myself.
I remember going through similar situations when my husband (then my boyfriend) was leaving for the Air Force Academy, every time he'd come home it would be great for a little while and then we'd start fighting and bickering, because at the end of the day he just had to go back, and basically it's my defense mechanism. Anyone have any great ideas of how to keep that from happening?
That's probably enough for one day. I hope you can come along with me in my Journey. I know I'll sure need it :)
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